Fail, Or Fly.

Immortalizing my failure with a screenshot of my Kickstarter’s main page, minutes after failing to fund.

My Kickstarter failed. Or more accurately, I failed. I failed my backers who put their faith in me that I could deliver, who pledged their hard-earned money in the hopes of getting rewarded. And for that, I’m sorry. 

But I don’t feel I failed myself. I saw a quote somewhere that said, “I never loose. I win, or I learn”. That quote is so true, and while it doesn’t feel like it right now, I know that the lessons I learned on this first Kickstarter will help me make the next one better. I dare say they were necessary. 

For example, I was told many times that I should make a welcome video, because campaigns with them far outperformed ones without. Did I listen, yes. Did I make one for my campaign, no. 

I want to say that’s because of my fear of failure… or success. That my ADHD made me not do it. But I’m so sick of my neurodivergence getting in my way. I’m sick and tired of always having a reason I can’t do something, or didn’t do something, or am afraid to try something in the future. 

I think I needed a period of time where I was forgiven for everything. I needed to have the pressure completely off in order to heal from decades of being told I wasn’t enough. For a time, I needed to hear it’s ok I didn’t post that video. It’s ok I didn’t finish my book quickly, it’s ok, it’s ok, its’ ok…. Only, it’s not. 

It’s not ok that time and again I fail doing things I know I’m capable of. It’s not ok that my mind fights so hard to hold me back when all I want to do is fly. Leap off that self-doubt and see where I land. 

And maybe I will fail. Maybe I will succeed. But no matter what happens when I land, I know I will be able to handle it. Because I’ve failed before and I’m still here. I’ve even succeeded before and guess what? I’m still here. 

So now, as I sit in a cafe typing out my thoughts, trying to figure out where I go from here, I’m more determined than ever, to fly.